Friday, April 30, 2010

"Night, Night"

Around 8:30 every night we start Kaden's bedtime ritual

"get your jammies on, go brush your teeth"

So he does, then he watches cartoons for a few minutes.

By 9, its lights out

"Momma, come snuggle?"

So I climb into bed with him

Trying to find room amid this heap of blankets, pillows and stuffed animals

He always flips right over... so I can tickle his back

When he's had enough he turns over and wraps his little arm around my neck

and snuggles in close to my chest

and we talk

This is where we have our best talks

sometimes about the day we've  had, or we make plans for the weekend

sometimes I tell him stories, outlandish fairy tales or memories close to my heart

I tell him about his great-grammy "with the white hair" and how much I loved her

and his great-grandddad who watches over him from heaven

Occassionally we pray together

Then I tell him that its time for him to go to sleep

And without fail he always asks "just one more minute?"

So I stay for a minute longer, being ever so thankful that he still wants his momma

He will be 8 this year and I think the time when he doesn't is fast approaching

So I drink in all this love

and I imprint these special times on my heart

We give bear hugs, mountain hugs, mice hugs

Butterfly kisses and "cheeky snuggles"

"I love you all the way up to the moon, and all the way back down to the dirt"

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Nothing much

I don't have much to say right now.
Life is good.

Love this little bum.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I blame Smiths

I always look forward to Saturday mornings, my 1 day a week to sleep in.

Clay and I have an awesome system for splitting the parenting duties

And part of this is I sleep in on Saturdays and he sleeps in on Sundays

So Clay got up and took Dillon downstairs to play.

I layed there for awhile, sliding in and out of dream filled sleep

Listening to the sounds of spring outside

birds chirping, neighbors mowing their lawns

Occasionally sweet baby giggles would drift in from downstairs

like most Saturday mornings Kaden, still half asleep

climbed into bed with me for some snuggle time

He always gets resltess and forces me out of bed before I'm ready

"C'mon momma" he says

Most Saturdays we hang low for awhile, cook a late breakfast, watch some cartoons

But not this one.... things to do, places to go, people to see

So Clay threw the baby at me and went to a side job

After Kaden asking if it was time to go 27 times... yes it was time to go

So Kaden, Dillon and I headed to the dreaded....Toys R Us.

We had to buy 2 birthday gifts and Kaden is probably the most indecisive child on this planet

But I was presently surprised when we were out in 10 minutes and there was not one bit of whining or begging involved

Then I dropped Kaden off at a double birthday pool party for 2 of his classmates

And can I just get an "amen" for finally being able to just drop him off at parties

Instead of having to sit there for 2-3 hours with the other parents, half of which are old enough to be my parents

making mindless chit chat, wishing I was just about anywhere else but there

So we drop him off, and I was feeling unusually brave... so we decided to meet my friend Amy for lunch

Yes... Dillon and I, ALONE

No back up... we were on our own.

This is something that I just do not do.

Unless daddy or someone else D is familiar with is around... I do not dare venture out with him *alone*

It all started when Dillon was about 6 weeks old and I decided to take him to the grocery store as our first outing alone.

Halfway through this momumentous trip he decided to totally wig out

And I mean wig, screaming at the top of his lungs, hyperventilating, arms and legs flailing...

I started to panic

I ripped open packages of binkies, mylicon drops, gripe water... I probably would have even given him some whiskey if they had any... but we live in Utah and thats a whole 'nother topic

Nothing was helping, his cries just kept getting louder... it seemed like the entire store was staring

Other women were giving me their knowing, sympathetic smiles

"oh that poor new mom with the colicky newborn"

I left the store in tears and Dillon didn't stop crying or sleep for the next 10 months

I blame it all on that disasterous trip to the grocery store

And since then I have avoided any and all situations where I don't have a co-pilot.

All through lunch I was on pins and needles...

But it actually went surprisingly well, no major mishaps

Dillon only hurled his food on the floor a couple times

His warning lights started flashing about 5 minutes before we left.

So we made a quick escape before WW2 started and all was well.

Thanks for an awesome lunch date Am... love ya!

So the moral for today is.. don't take your baby to grocery stores and if you do... sneak them a little whiskey beforehand.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


I am so unorganized, such a procrastinator

I am the definition of absent minded

I have wondered if its genetics because my mom is the same way

It was a daily occurance in our house growing up... searching for that missing shoe, or the set of keys that ran away

Do you think there is a "Lose your own head if it wasn't screwed on" gene? If so, I think my mom passed it down to me.

I can't tell you how many times I have lost my keys, or locked them in the car

How many times I have locked myself out of the house... having to balance on top of garbage cans to shimmy through an open window

How many cells phones have vanished into thin air

How many pairs of shoes... that are no longer pairs.

Can a dryer really eat socks? Cause if it can, mine has eaten all of the matching ones

So we are left with 1 red and 1 black, or 1 long and 1 short.

Honestly I don't even bother to match them anymore, they are in a huge basket in my closet.

If Kaden can find 2 that fit him without holes ... I call it success!

I often contemplate throwing them all out and just starting over

I have forgotten groceries in my trunk

Gone all day with makeup on just 1 eye

I have driven almost all the way to work and then realized I still had a sleeping baby in the back seat.

Mornings are like scavenger hunts looking for backpacks, purses and homework

We are always oversleeping, running late

"put your shoes on and brush your hair in the car" kind of late

take the baby to the sitter in his jammies kind of late

Too bad I forget to send him actual clothes half the time.

Thank god Kaden does his homework on his own and his school serves breakfast... or we'd be in real trouble

Then I throw the kids out of the car in my hurry to make it on time to work

"tuck and roll"

just kidding... sort of

My husband entrusts me with all of our finances

Yes, me.

I have tried different systems, online bill pay, spreadsheets, email reminders

It all seems to work pretty well, until I get that call...

"Um honey, did you pay the electric bill,...our power has been shut off!"

Ok, that has never happened...

but I have gotten a few "friendly" reminders

This is your 3rd reminder and we are going to take your 1st born if you don't pay us"

I usually remember to pay then. :)

So from now on, I am going to try to remember to be more organzied, to prepare things ahead of time, to not push Snooze on my alarm clock 57 times before I actually get out of bed.

I think that this would make my husband very happy.

But, what if I forget to remember?

Monday, April 26, 2010

Snowing in July

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
~John Vance Cheney

Friday night I had sort of a breakdown.
The kind that comes from painting on a happy face, just one to many days in a row
when inside your heart is aching.

For the most part, life is good.
My husband and my kids are happy, healthy and we love eachother

But there are a few things.... that feel broken
The pain that Kaden's "real dad" has brought back into our lives
The hurt I see in Kaden's eyes as he slowly starts to see the whole picture
The stress and anxiety I feel over the adoption process
The guilt....
The death of my grandfather
The terrible fighting that has ensued
The sorrow he would feel if he knew what was happening
Friday night it all just felt to much to bear
So when my kids were tucked safely into bed
I crept upstairs, climbed into my bed and buried myself in a pile of blankets
and I cried
For death and loss, endings and new beginnings
for change...
I clutched my blanket and soaked my pillow in the downpour of tears
The kind of tears that come from the deepest regions of your soul
I let myself feel all of these raw, real emotions
And I only stopped when there was nothing left
Then I stepped into a steamy shower
and let the water rinse away the rest of my heartache
And from that rose a new sense of peace and clarity

Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust, and when you're up, it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down, you never think you'll be up again, but life goes on.

And thats just it... Life goes on.
So we change, we evolve and we adapt in order to survive
Sometimes its hard, and sometimes its easy
And I am just as thankful for the hard, painful things that we go through
as I am for the wonderful, happy, easy things that happen
Because you cannot appreciate the true, warm, beauty of summer if you haven't also experienced the cold frosts of winter.

It seems to be snowing in my proverbial July.
But thats ok, we are going to make some delicious rainbow snow cones.

In so many ways, I am so very blessed.

Friday, April 23, 2010

The Many Faces of Dillon

I love my funny, animated, strange little boy


The lines have been drawn

The closest of families divided

Words, hurled like daggers have cut oh so deep

Hearts are bruised, battered and broken

You said this.... You did that....

It doesn't matter who is to blame

you are all right, and at the same time all so wrong

Have you forgotten?

The bond you share? The promises that were made?

Its not to late

To pick up a phone, To say "I miss you"

To say "I'm sorry"

Its not to late

To heal these wounds

To say "your my sister, and I love you"

Its not to late

Thursday, April 22, 2010


Everywhere around me there is chaos.

But not here

not on Delaware Lane

its sunny and warm, everywhere there are children playing

sidewalks are covered in chalk and driveways are littered with discarded bicycles

It smells like rain and fresh cut grass

This home is our haven in a world full of madness

Toothless grins and the sounds of belly laughter fill my heart

Piles of  homework and books....there are toys strewn about

Life happens here

When the day was long and my spirit feels broken

When I feel about to fall off the edge

I come home

 And time stops and there is nothing but *us*

and I drink in this love, this life, MY wonderul, messy, happy life

Its my own personal fountain of youth.... and I am renewed.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Something good

    Yesterday, it was you... my sweet baby boy.

Puffy eyes, mascara stained cheeks, and a heart heavy with sadness.

But when I saw his eyes light up when he saw me, as he shrieked in delight, and hurled his chubby little body into my waiting arms.

Everything else was forgotten...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


If he was an adult and could really understand, this is what I would tell him...

That the day he was born was the happiest day of my life

That the 1st time I looked into his eyes, I knew that I was born to be his momma

That I would go to the ends of this earth to make sure he is happy and safe

That some decisions I have to make for him might hurt

That no matter how much you want them to, some people never change

That none of this is his fault

That if I could... I would give him my heart to break so his wouldn't

My sweet, funny boy. I am sorry. You deserve so much better.
In the late night hours when everyone is soundly sleeping... I sometimes get up. I make sure little toes are tucked in and I clear books and stuffed animals from beds. I lightly kiss the foreheads or cheeks of my slumbering babies and watch them for a minute or two. Then I sneak back into bed, into the folds of the cool sheets and the warmth of my sweet husband. I curl my body into his... the way we fit so well and ...

I close my eyes, smile softly and say a prayer of thanks.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Sister Love

This is my sister in law Elisa. I love her.

She loves nature.

I bet that she was an indian in a past life

I can totally picture her, face painted, hair tied up with brightly colored feathers dancing in front of a roaring bon fire.

We are so different, her and I. She is a tom boy... she hunts, rides dirt bikes, and can change her own oil.

I don't even know where my oil "thingy" is.

She is so adventurous... except for when it comes to food. She pretty much only eats cheese, meat and bread.

Over the past 2 years we have forged a pretty awesome bond. I am so happy that my brother chose her.

Except for when she wakes me out of a drunken sleep at 5am because she is ralphing spicy chicken and Jager.

But even then... I still think she is a Rock Star!

Friday, April 16, 2010


I want to go back.... I want to press "rewind" on the VCR of life... but I cannot seem to find the remote, time will not stop and I feel as though the VCR is eating my video life. Its crunching and smoking and when I pull it out, the tape is all unwound and crinkled. No matter how much time I spend carefully trying to smooth the tape and wind it back in... it will never be the same. I worry that there will always be static on the screen, and I cry over the scenes I am afraid I will lose...

We have always had this wonderfully, crazy family dynamic...

"brothers from another mother"

Kaden and Kameron, 5 years apart but still so close.

Over the last several years they have spent most Friday nights at Tina and Roberts (my ex, Robby's parents) Kaden has also spent time lots of time with Kam's mom's family and Kam spends time with us... I think of Robert and Tina as my other mom and dad, and even as Dillon's grandparents as well. We talk and laugh, we have forged this bond over the years through the shared love of these great kids. Yours, mine, ours, his... it has never really mattered.
Then the day that I have been dreading for several years rolls around.... March 16 and Kaden's biological father gets released from prison....

And I feel like Alice. Falling, falling, falling... down the rabbit hole.

This other world is different and strange.... it feels like everything is running backwards.... the simplest of words are misconstrued and every step which feels so light leaves resounding aftershocks.

I want "him" to go away... to disappear, I want to erase him from the fabric of our lives and forget he ever existed.

I hate him for all of the pain and heartache he has caused me, and has caused Kaden.... I hate that Kaden has wondered if it was his fault that his dad went to jail.... "because he didn't get enough time to teach him how to make good choices" But I also have love for him, because he gave me the greatest gift ever...

my sweet, darling, quirky Kaden.

But I also want him to be happy and have a good life... because he is Kaden's father and Kaden loves him, no matter what he has ever done.
But how many chances should one person get to be a dad? At what point do I say "enough" or do I ever? Is it something that Kaden needs to figure out on his own?

As his momma, I just want to protect him...

Its the pit in your stomach when you are trying to sleep and there is something, you don't know what... but something doesn't feel quite right. Or the nervousness as you board a plane, wondering if you forgot your passport or left the iron on. The worry that you feel as you kiss your child goodbye on their 1st day of kindergarten...

Any decision I make will effect Kaden forever, I need to make sure I make the right choice....

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Feels like Home

Curling up with a blanket, a good book and a mug of steamy hot chocolate in front of the soft glow of a warm fire.
Or sleeping in nothing but a sheet as the damp summer breeze wafts through the windows on a rainy August night.


That is how this man makes me feel. My other-half. My sweet, darling husband.

No matter what has happened in the time between his quick goodbye kiss in the morning and the longer, lingering kisses in the dark hours of night. I can wrap my arms around him and know that everything is just how it should be....

He is the calm to my storm, the voice of reason in an otherwise chaotic life

In a little over a week we will celebrate being together for 4 years... 4 magical, terrible, wonderful, crazy years.

He makes me a better person and I think that I do the same for him.

He is my 2nd marriage. We often joke that my first marriage was "practice" My life now is so completely different from what it was then... and throughout all of the pain, tears and the heartache that was my life then... I do not regret any of it. I think without that experience, I wouldn't be able to love and appreciate the life I have now.

And how he loves our babies.... there is nothing that makes my heart skip a beat more than watching daddy curled up on the couch with a sleeping baby...

I can find them snoozing together, atleast a few times a week...

He says there isn't anything better than having your baby fall asleep on your chest...

I say that there isn't anything better than knowing you feel that way...

This man who has been so patient with his relationship with my oldest. My sweet Kaden, who for the longest time didn't want to share his momma with anyone. Hearing him call Clay dad, and watching him jump into his arms on occasion makes me melt. Clay teaches Kaden things that I used to worry that he would miss having only his momma; baiting a hook, throwing a football and he is now going to be coaching Kaden's soccer team. Their relationship is still a work in progress, but the foundation is solid....

**please ignore Kaden's sweet 'do we were between haircuts lol

I am so blessed to be so loved

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

If I blog it, will they read it?

So I hear that blogging is the new black, everyone is doin' it! So here I am, officially jumping on this crazy blogging band wagon.