Heartache

I want to go back.... I want to press "rewind" on the VCR of life... but I cannot seem to find the remote, time will not stop and I feel as though the VCR is eating my video life. Its crunching and smoking and when I pull it out, the tape is all unwound and crinkled. No matter how much time I spend carefully trying to smooth the tape and wind it back in... it will never be the same. I worry that there will always be static on the screen, and I cry over the scenes I am afraid I will lose...

We have always had this wonderfully, crazy family dynamic...

"brothers from another mother"

Kaden and Kameron, 5 years apart but still so close.






Over the last several years they have spent most Friday nights at Tina and Roberts (my ex, Robby's parents) Kaden has also spent time lots of time with Kam's mom's family and Kam spends time with us... I think of Robert and Tina as my other mom and dad, and even as Dillon's grandparents as well. We talk and laugh, we have forged this bond over the years through the shared love of these great kids. Yours, mine, ours, his... it has never really mattered.
Then the day that I have been dreading for several years rolls around.... March 16 and Kaden's biological father gets released from prison....

And I feel like Alice. Falling, falling, falling... down the rabbit hole.

This other world is different and strange.... it feels like everything is running backwards.... the simplest of words are misconstrued and every step which feels so light leaves resounding aftershocks.

I want "him" to go away... to disappear, I want to erase him from the fabric of our lives and forget he ever existed.

I hate him for all of the pain and heartache he has caused me, and has caused Kaden.... I hate that Kaden has wondered if it was his fault that his dad went to jail.... "because he didn't get enough time to teach him how to make good choices" But I also have love for him, because he gave me the greatest gift ever...

my sweet, darling, quirky Kaden.

But I also want him to be happy and have a good life... because he is Kaden's father and Kaden loves him, no matter what he has ever done.
But how many chances should one person get to be a dad? At what point do I say "enough" or do I ever? Is it something that Kaden needs to figure out on his own?

As his momma, I just want to protect him...

Its the pit in your stomach when you are trying to sleep and there is something, you don't know what... but something doesn't feel quite right. Or the nervousness as you board a plane, wondering if you forgot your passport or left the iron on. The worry that you feel as you kiss your child goodbye on their 1st day of kindergarten...

Any decision I make will effect Kaden forever, I need to make sure I make the right choice....