Monday, April 26, 2010

Snowing in July

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
~John Vance Cheney

Friday night I had sort of a breakdown.
The kind that comes from painting on a happy face, just one to many days in a row
when inside your heart is aching.

For the most part, life is good.
My husband and my kids are happy, healthy and we love eachother

But there are a few things.... that feel broken
The pain that Kaden's "real dad" has brought back into our lives
The hurt I see in Kaden's eyes as he slowly starts to see the whole picture
The stress and anxiety I feel over the adoption process
The guilt....
The death of my grandfather
The terrible fighting that has ensued
The sorrow he would feel if he knew what was happening
Friday night it all just felt to much to bear
So when my kids were tucked safely into bed
I crept upstairs, climbed into my bed and buried myself in a pile of blankets
and I cried
For death and loss, endings and new beginnings
for change...
I clutched my blanket and soaked my pillow in the downpour of tears
The kind of tears that come from the deepest regions of your soul
I let myself feel all of these raw, real emotions
And I only stopped when there was nothing left
Then I stepped into a steamy shower
and let the water rinse away the rest of my heartache
And from that rose a new sense of peace and clarity

Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust, and when you're up, it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down, you never think you'll be up again, but life goes on.

And thats just it... Life goes on.
So we change, we evolve and we adapt in order to survive
Sometimes its hard, and sometimes its easy
And I am just as thankful for the hard, painful things that we go through
as I am for the wonderful, happy, easy things that happen
Because you cannot appreciate the true, warm, beauty of summer if you haven't also experienced the cold frosts of winter.

It seems to be snowing in my proverbial July.
But thats ok, we are going to make some delicious rainbow snow cones.

In so many ways, I am so very blessed.